My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
