Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
