Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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