he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
