There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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