I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
