I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
