walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
