i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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