This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sarcasm needs its own font
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
