Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
