Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
