The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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