apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
