You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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