Even the bartender felt bad for me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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