i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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