You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
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Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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