i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
