Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
