i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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