My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
