As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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