So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
