we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
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Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
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your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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