I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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