Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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