In the future we'll all be gay
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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