Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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