I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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