Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
