In the future we'll all be gay
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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