Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
