i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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