I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
