On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
