the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
