We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
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