im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
