My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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