I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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