theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
