I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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