If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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