Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
