if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The power of my boobs compel you
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