so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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