I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
