I can text with my tongue
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
