Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
