I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
