oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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