i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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