matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
