She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
