dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
