He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
