Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
