Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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