i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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