Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
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She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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