Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
