you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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